People always tell me how strong I am, but that strength was not “given” to me from birth.
It had to grow, I had to reclaim it!
And trauma was a huge part of that reclamation.
When I share my story people are always surprised as fuck because they thought that such things never happened to a strong and independent woman like me. But they do.
Better to say, they made me what I am today.
The Peak in my “Trauma-History” was in January 2021, when again I got physically, mentally and sexually abused by a man who pretended that this is “love”.
This was the key.
After this last traumatic event I set down and recaptured what has happened. The environment and the people changed, but it was always the same situations, and one factor always remained the same: I
In that moment I understood so clearly that these are not things happening to me, they are happening because of me .
I was searching for something in the external & in another human being that could never come from outside - the love towards my Self.
That was my awakening.
From that moment on I understood that this life is created by me through me .
That there might be familial or social subconscious and unconscious patterns running that put me into such kind of situations, but that it's my responsibility to clear these patterns & ruts to create the life I want to live. That's my job.
NO BODY ELSE!
And in that very special moment I also understood that I can either be the victim of the old patterns and the past or the creator of new patterns and the future. Both are exclusive .
I do understand that this can trigger some of you because accepting that brings a lot of responsibility back to your side. But I encourage you, if you feel resistance, use this resistance as a guideline to growth! Where your resistance is rooted is also where your greatest potential lies.
It's not easy for me either. I've thought about sharing this for years and I've never been so publicly honest about what has happened along the way, although I've never made a secret of it either. It feels like I am exposing myself and standing naked in front of you. Also because most of you think that I am strong. And to make myself vulnerable and tell you directly to the face that I was just pretending most of the time, that is the real pain in the a$$.
But I feel that this is necessary to share the journey authentically and to clarify a few things that regularly appear on Social Media about trauma, healing, awakening, spiritual growth, creating your dream live, manifestation etc.
These are just words without meaning if we do not understand them. And we can only really understand them through experiencing them.
That means PUTTING IN EFFORT! The right kind of effort.
Instead of telling me that I'm strong, I would have liked to be asked how and why . And the answer to why would always be: because I must.
I have made a decision - never again will another human being in my family line and environmental experience trauma because of unconscious behavior and unhealed generational stuff, neither because of mine nor others if I can contribute my part. No matter what it takes for me to clean it up and heal it, I will! And that's why I love to share all the experience and wisdom I've gathered to help you too. Even though that might bring me into the position of the “weirdo” for some of you.
This is my purpose, the purpose of this life handed to me.
I've said it a few times, but I'll say it again and again: this will not and cannot be an easy and superficial journey. But if you are truly interested in growing sustainably and decide to join me, I can guarantee you that you will be supported a 100% from my side to break the patterns. With all that I will learn in the future and all that I have learned so far, and that was quite a lot.
I dedicated my life the last years to the process of digging, bringing up and healing. And everything else, my business, my social life, relationships was secondary. I stayed alone to focus only on myself, to go as deep as I could.
- I read a ton of books on spirituality, self development, psychology and thousands of hours of podcasts, YouToube Videos & Satsangs (thanks to my hermit-like work in the studio)
- I went on a psychological therapy for 6 months in 2020
- I did a San Pedro (Mescaline) Retreat in 2021
- I attended a Self Development and Leadership Workshop w/ D. Lange in 2021 (which I would not recommend)
- I did a one month Pleasure Course w/ Lena Lange to finally reclaim my femininity in 2021 (which I would highly recommend)
- I did Relationship Coaching for 6 months from Nov 2021
- I graduate a 200h Yoga Teacher Training in Sep 2022 (which I would also highly recommend to everyone)
- I attended the 6 Weeks "Path of Discovery" - Course with Cam Rosin currently in Jan/Feb 2023
- And soon, if life wants me to be there, I will attend the 300h YTTC in Rishikesh. Even though I just started practicing Yoga in Feb 22
Of course, I do not advise you to do the same, I just want to give you a glimpse of what a person's individual journey can look like.
And this is what I needed to do. There was and is no alternative. Once you have seen it is not possible to unseen and ignore the truth. Awakened consciousness cannot be unawakened. Well, I mean you can try it, but this takes a lot of effort and ignorance and causes even more pain - believe me, I've been there the last months.
So, in retrospect there was no alternative to this individual journey I call “mine” and all the trauma it brought to me. And I'm more than grateful for everything that has happened “to” me. Because that was the fuel to the fire within that made me look for the truth and growth. The fuel that put me on this journey of healing. That was what made me examine where all this trauma came from. And that was what made me grow into the strength that I can now call mine and that you can see and feel.
I could go on for hours like this, but let's start with the most important topic: YOU .
If you have anything you need to talk about, to share, you need advice or someone who just listens, or if you want to start clarifying your system - I am here, I see you!
Sending love and hugs to all of you!
PS: I want to unambiguously make clear that I don't encourage you to put yourself in harming situations or consciously seek for trauma because you want to grow. Every journey and life lesson is different, this is only mine!